Im getting more insecure by every passing day.
I see people rising on the horizon confidently,
seeing them change into more lively full of life.
& here I am dragging myself to the depth of never ending fog.
It couldn't be avoided. No matter how the world see me as happy person
or how I think That I am happy, all of that is far away from truth.
I am still far away from it.
I want to feel the feeling of contentment & joy,
even f in just one day , hour or second.
My world of black & white is disguising from this colorful lies.
And I tried my best to hide myself from others,
coz If they knew me that well-- they will end up leaving me.
I dont know~ even though I experienced it a couple of times already,
Im just afraid of the thought of being alone.....
Because this pathetic excuse of a life is such a burden,
A burden that is worth of thousands reasons.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
but..
But eventhough Im as obnoxious, I reaally love my family...
and Sometimes, Im contented of what I have today.
I reaally am.
and Sometimes, Im contented of what I have today.
I reaally am.
Friday, December 12, 2008
short life story.
I really hate my stepfather. I just really really hate him!
Im not going to pretend here- this feeling of bitterness.
But Im not going to pretend either that he raises me since then.
But the fucking fact is,
He have no rights to spit on me when I came home late,
or that He'll slap me because I fought w/ my 12 yrs. old half sister,
or to insult and reminded me about the "I REALLY DONT CARE" fact that Im just the outsider.
Im the unlucky, the fucking broken shit who by the way, living w/ his turf that
I dont really fuckiing want in the first place!.
Please, dont feel pity for me.
That's the last thing I want,
after all~ I lost half of my feelings years ago.
Sometimes, I wanted him to go away, but I can't comprehend the feeling that
my halfsisters and bro. will feel. Eventhough they are so annoying, we're still blood related.
And besides, his a good man when it comes to them.
I already figured why he hates me so much just the way I hated him.
It's because I am a child who was born w/ no dignity, a mistake
and here he was taking good care of me, instead of my real shitty father who by the way
i dont know anything about.
I wanted to be a rebel~ actually I was.
Then, I realized that if Im going to be that person,
I'll end up like those fucking people who waste their lives for nothing,
even If I possess this feeling of dullness, I still wanted to break free from it, and
find what i really need, the point of living.
My s.dad is an old man, probably between 50's already.
and sometimes, I thought that my mom married him because of the money,
And I dont really see any spark between them, it's just like~ a freaking family show.
But later on, I forgot that idea and focuses on something more lively and happy.
Still, just like this one, I feel so outraged, and this unexpressive emotions.
Sometimes, I really want to go away, away from all this crap.
Away from this world-that is.
But. I dont know where will I go, no one even wants me.
So, here I am just typing all these shitty dramas.
(years ago...)
I wanted to go to my aunt, where I lived before,
then one day, I heard my mom and aunt talking.
MOM: Do you want to take her back?
From my deepest core, I was~ a little happy at least . I dont really like living w/ my aunt,
but I can't handle being the crap either, so yeah I was a little happy.
AUNT: Please. Im raising 3 children, and I really dont need that trouble one either.
Eventhough I was 10 back then, I already felt the feeling of being shattered, & rejected.
I didnt talk to her that day, then she said to me, that Im always welcome to come back.
yeah. FUCK YOU liar! <---- I didnt said that though.
When I was about five. I was living w/ my poor aunt, with no proper food in the table,
and I was living in the town who believed in witchcraft and all crap you could imagine.
That's the beginning memory of my ranting childhood.
~ for your info, I didnt knew my real mom back then...
As I mentioned, we are very very poor.
We even catch little frogs just to have food and~~ it tastes like chicken.
but anyway, that wasn't only the problem.
Im living like a slave, my relative would order me to go to this far far away forest to
take some woods for cooking (technology aside)
and I always end up wounded, coz there so many thorny ferns and my aunt would
say stupid shits like I should be more careful.
I wasn't really happy in that town as long as I can remember,
that town is located in the province of I dont know where,
and maybe about 900 or less people living there, yeah it was a small village.
BUt, it wasn't peaceful either, you could see someone dying bcoz he was stabbed,
and those drunk men who beat up anyone they could find.
and many children my age (back then) already knew how to steal.
I was molested there, w/c I really dont want to expand that memory.
and I was nearly killed too, because one fucking bully kid who thinks
that it'll be cool if someone fell from the stage terrace.
So, finally, when my real mom came to our dead town and claimed
that I was her daughter, I was confused first, but handled the situation perfectly,
because I was given some bunch of colorful toys that are made in China.
and I was like "hey, my mother came from China." fuck. I was that stupid,
but I'll submit this excuse that --> I was just 6 or 7 back then.
And back then, I have this overwhelming emotions,
despite everything that I was going through, I was filled w/ energy
of no matter what Im going through, I can always forget it and create happy thoughts.
that was my rule and standard~ eventhough. it's a childlike rule,
I still hold into it.
but~ losing how to interact and feel is somewhat the result of it.
When my mom told me she was leaving,
I was desperate to hold to my last hope , of getting away from that horrible place.
my mom then told me that I can't come w/ her,
I didnt understand, and continued pulling her,crying, begging not to leave me behind.
then my other aunt came and told me that If I'll go to sleep, my mom will allow me to go w/ her.
then I looked at my mom, and she nodded.
So, I hurriedly went to sleep.
waking up at that moment was the best expectation or reason to wake up,
because that day, I will be gone and stay w/ my mom forever.
........But, it all shattered--. she left me just like that.
I was just a little girl, and leaving me w/ no explanation is so much for me to bare.
It was then, that I couldn't feel any emotion, I dropped my hopes, and thought that I'll die, cold and old.
That was then, that I learned not to expect anything from people,
not to bother by their gestures, not to bother to feel like them.
and it continued..
I was beated up when I got 2 or 3 wrongs in the exam, coz my aunt cares about keeping score. and I undoubtly became one of the lonely kid in class. I listen reluctantly.
I have fake friends who only want was to copy my answers,
I was molested and harrassed, and NO ONE even cares.
But the thing was, I got tired. And eventually, I started to supress my feelings.
Then, months later or a year?, my mom arrived unexpectedly. and announced that
I'll be going w/ her, I was not even slightly cared or moved about it,
I was even thinking, why did she even came back,
and then I saw this little babygirl maybe 1 year old and they told me that she is my sister,
I was angry and jealous that she was safe and there I was pretending like a goody shitty kid
but in fact I was torn and in misery.
Then, we travelled and met the first encounter of my what I thought was my dad.
When I hugged him~~ his kind of distant to me, then my mom told me that he wasnt' my father,
.......I think, I questioned her about it, but I dont remember the answer. Fuck. I dont really remember.!
That was the start of my life living w/ my mom and stepdad and my half siblings.
The start where my s. father would love to make me feel bad, to make me feel like shit on the icing.
Eventhough, my wish was granted to leave that scumbag town, it always feel the same.
AS if, now, I also want to ran away.
Im a ran away human who are blogging about the rant life she have and shared w/
this fucking world which no one even fucking cares!.
I mean, I really appreciate about you not to care about this.
If people, are care free then the world would be a better place to live.
I mean a better dump crappy place :)
*I dont like holidays, because during or before XMAS there are places aroung the globe
that has been smashed by a tornado, typhoon whatsoever calamities you've known.
Yet, Im going to say it.
MERRYXMAS AND hope you have your money to buy those fucking useless crap that after a year or months, you will find it in the dumpster somewhere.
so, be more wise. buy some tissue instead. It's 100% in use these days.
Im not going to pretend here- this feeling of bitterness.
But Im not going to pretend either that he raises me since then.
But the fucking fact is,
He have no rights to spit on me when I came home late,
or that He'll slap me because I fought w/ my 12 yrs. old half sister,
or to insult and reminded me about the "I REALLY DONT CARE" fact that Im just the outsider.
Im the unlucky, the fucking broken shit who by the way, living w/ his turf that
I dont really fuckiing want in the first place!.
Please, dont feel pity for me.
That's the last thing I want,
after all~ I lost half of my feelings years ago.
Sometimes, I wanted him to go away, but I can't comprehend the feeling that
my halfsisters and bro. will feel. Eventhough they are so annoying, we're still blood related.
And besides, his a good man when it comes to them.
I already figured why he hates me so much just the way I hated him.
It's because I am a child who was born w/ no dignity, a mistake
and here he was taking good care of me, instead of my real shitty father who by the way
i dont know anything about.
I wanted to be a rebel~ actually I was.
Then, I realized that if Im going to be that person,
I'll end up like those fucking people who waste their lives for nothing,
even If I possess this feeling of dullness, I still wanted to break free from it, and
find what i really need, the point of living.
My s.dad is an old man, probably between 50's already.
and sometimes, I thought that my mom married him because of the money,
And I dont really see any spark between them, it's just like~ a freaking family show.
But later on, I forgot that idea and focuses on something more lively and happy.
Still, just like this one, I feel so outraged, and this unexpressive emotions.
Sometimes, I really want to go away, away from all this crap.
Away from this world-that is.
But. I dont know where will I go, no one even wants me.
So, here I am just typing all these shitty dramas.
(years ago...)
I wanted to go to my aunt, where I lived before,
then one day, I heard my mom and aunt talking.
MOM: Do you want to take her back?
From my deepest core, I was~ a little happy at least . I dont really like living w/ my aunt,
but I can't handle being the crap either, so yeah I was a little happy.
AUNT: Please. Im raising 3 children, and I really dont need that trouble one either.
Eventhough I was 10 back then, I already felt the feeling of being shattered, & rejected.
I didnt talk to her that day, then she said to me, that Im always welcome to come back.
yeah. FUCK YOU liar! <---- I didnt said that though.
When I was about five. I was living w/ my poor aunt, with no proper food in the table,
and I was living in the town who believed in witchcraft and all crap you could imagine.
That's the beginning memory of my ranting childhood.
~ for your info, I didnt knew my real mom back then...
As I mentioned, we are very very poor.
We even catch little frogs just to have food and~~ it tastes like chicken.
but anyway, that wasn't only the problem.
Im living like a slave, my relative would order me to go to this far far away forest to
take some woods for cooking (technology aside)
and I always end up wounded, coz there so many thorny ferns and my aunt would
say stupid shits like I should be more careful.
I wasn't really happy in that town as long as I can remember,
that town is located in the province of I dont know where,
and maybe about 900 or less people living there, yeah it was a small village.
BUt, it wasn't peaceful either, you could see someone dying bcoz he was stabbed,
and those drunk men who beat up anyone they could find.
and many children my age (back then) already knew how to steal.
I was molested there, w/c I really dont want to expand that memory.
and I was nearly killed too, because one fucking bully kid who thinks
that it'll be cool if someone fell from the stage terrace.
So, finally, when my real mom came to our dead town and claimed
that I was her daughter, I was confused first, but handled the situation perfectly,
because I was given some bunch of colorful toys that are made in China.
and I was like "hey, my mother came from China." fuck. I was that stupid,
but I'll submit this excuse that --> I was just 6 or 7 back then.
And back then, I have this overwhelming emotions,
despite everything that I was going through, I was filled w/ energy
of no matter what Im going through, I can always forget it and create happy thoughts.
that was my rule and standard~ eventhough. it's a childlike rule,
I still hold into it.
but~ losing how to interact and feel is somewhat the result of it.
When my mom told me she was leaving,
I was desperate to hold to my last hope , of getting away from that horrible place.
my mom then told me that I can't come w/ her,
I didnt understand, and continued pulling her,crying, begging not to leave me behind.
then my other aunt came and told me that If I'll go to sleep, my mom will allow me to go w/ her.
then I looked at my mom, and she nodded.
So, I hurriedly went to sleep.
waking up at that moment was the best expectation or reason to wake up,
because that day, I will be gone and stay w/ my mom forever.
........But, it all shattered--. she left me just like that.
I was just a little girl, and leaving me w/ no explanation is so much for me to bare.
It was then, that I couldn't feel any emotion, I dropped my hopes, and thought that I'll die, cold and old.
That was then, that I learned not to expect anything from people,
not to bother by their gestures, not to bother to feel like them.
and it continued..
I was beated up when I got 2 or 3 wrongs in the exam, coz my aunt cares about keeping score. and I undoubtly became one of the lonely kid in class. I listen reluctantly.
I have fake friends who only want was to copy my answers,
I was molested and harrassed, and NO ONE even cares.
But the thing was, I got tired. And eventually, I started to supress my feelings.
Then, months later or a year?, my mom arrived unexpectedly. and announced that
I'll be going w/ her, I was not even slightly cared or moved about it,
I was even thinking, why did she even came back,
and then I saw this little babygirl maybe 1 year old and they told me that she is my sister,
I was angry and jealous that she was safe and there I was pretending like a goody shitty kid
but in fact I was torn and in misery.
Then, we travelled and met the first encounter of my what I thought was my dad.
When I hugged him~~ his kind of distant to me, then my mom told me that he wasnt' my father,
.......I think, I questioned her about it, but I dont remember the answer. Fuck. I dont really remember.!
That was the start of my life living w/ my mom and stepdad and my half siblings.
The start where my s. father would love to make me feel bad, to make me feel like shit on the icing.
Eventhough, my wish was granted to leave that scumbag town, it always feel the same.
AS if, now, I also want to ran away.
Im a ran away human who are blogging about the rant life she have and shared w/
this fucking world which no one even fucking cares!.
I mean, I really appreciate about you not to care about this.
If people, are care free then the world would be a better place to live.
I mean a better dump crappy place :)
*I dont like holidays, because during or before XMAS there are places aroung the globe
that has been smashed by a tornado, typhoon whatsoever calamities you've known.
Yet, Im going to say it.
MERRYXMAS AND hope you have your money to buy those fucking useless crap that after a year or months, you will find it in the dumpster somewhere.
so, be more wise. buy some tissue instead. It's 100% in use these days.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
well. Am i too depressed 4 u.? LMAO
the sky today is gloomy, the breeze is as cold as ice.
While here I am trying to think of any better thing to do.
Im emotionally distorted.
Im feeling this misery. again.
I really dont know~ ....no matter how hard I try to be happy.
The sadness always overcomes me.
Im losing my reasons to live.
Everywhere I go, this broken feelings always comes in the way~
and no matter how people see me as cheerful, It's always the opposite of how I feel.
But I have to make them believe , Im sorry.
But~ it's better this way, at least people won't feel awkward.
they always told me how cheerful, happy go lucky I am~
hearing those words, make me feel a little relief.calm. and rested.
Yet...
Im incapable of feeling joy.
incapable of reasoning to people, which I dont really care to reason w/.
Im in my inflicted torture.
I need to go out sometimes.
I need to find my friends.
I dont want to be alone~
But~~ at the end,
Im always here, in this dimmy room,
w/ my detached self from this chaotic world.
I want to find the reason to live~
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Randomly thinking...
pfft.. I was hesitating about posting this, I was actually ..thnkng. to post this to my other BLOG,
but yeeah, no one cares ayt?.. LOL. as simple as this, I cant even halfly decide
Ehm..I dont really know what's my point ^__^''''
Oh well... I reaaly wish I could be free from this other self complexity of mine.
Do u ever experienced that being w/ other people, no matter who you think you are,
to them it's totally different, and you act different to them too..
and YEaah I got confused bcoz of this!!~~~
It's a good thing, Im always on my happy side-
probably the reason, why I love to be with the crowd as often as I can.
eventhough, I dont know anyone, at least I dont feel the misery inside me.
w/ the crowd,, I felt that I was covered ~from this bounded loneliness.
and knowing that It will not bother me for awhile~ Im desperately calm.
hmmft.. I reaaly really dont want to be Alone much.
In my years of living, Happiness is a big word to me and for at least one thing
I have never experienced it... or it seems.
Im more like, If being too emotional, too angry, too happy etc~~~
I just can't handle it~~ and gone to be emotionally detached.
That's why, Im trying to do and think
WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT WHEN THIS HAPPEND AND THAT HAPPEND.
I totally read books about that. how dull is that. yeah u can stab me. x]
but yeeah, no one cares ayt?.. LOL. as simple as this, I cant even halfly decide
It's very interesting to think about
|
Ehm..I dont really know what's my point ^__^''''
Oh well... I reaaly wish I could be free from this other self complexity of mine.
Do u ever experienced that being w/ other people, no matter who you think you are,
to them it's totally different, and you act different to them too..
and YEaah I got confused bcoz of this!!~~~
It's a good thing, Im always on my happy side-
probably the reason, why I love to be with the crowd as often as I can.
eventhough, I dont know anyone, at least I dont feel the misery inside me.
w/ the crowd,, I felt that I was covered ~from this bounded loneliness.
and knowing that It will not bother me for awhile~ Im desperately calm.
hmmft.. I reaaly really dont want to be Alone much.
In my years of living, Happiness is a big word to me and for at least one thing
I have never experienced it... or it seems.
Im more like, If being too emotional, too angry, too happy etc~~~
I just can't handle it~~ and gone to be emotionally detached.
That's why, Im trying to do and think
WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT WHEN THIS HAPPEND AND THAT HAPPEND.
I totally read books about that. how dull is that. yeah u can stab me. x]
Saturday, December 6, 2008
introduction?
u can look at my profile ~ if your still not bored.anyway, this isn't my 1st blog.
actually, I've created this new blog because of my 2 doubled nature,
I'm not trying to be pretentious from my other sweet blog and all that~
I just have to organized my thoughts and my other personality.
Comprimising.?...haha.yeah..whatever.
anyway. I was watching this stupid movie awhile ago,
didn't know the title though.
and didnt fucking care about knowing the titleand because I'm bored like hell...
proceed watching the stupid movie ~
despite that I have this urge of sucking my eyes out w/ the fork I'm holding.
( eating at that time...)
I seriously think that drama scripts are so trashy and tacky.
The actresses and actors will say something shit like
" How I wish time can time can stop so that I can hug you like this forever".
wtf?!?!?. Just go to hell -__- ! ~~
it was the lamest thing I've heard all day...
if someone was going to tell me that, I'll probably push them down to the cliff...seriously...
ugh. I hate to say goodbye.
but I have to cook this dead chicken,
put some spices and put it in the oven,
OUR KASAMBHAY cooked our meal yesterday,
and it was like fucking HOT!!~~
and I totally drunk gallons of water!..
I drunk hysterically that some of the water had drown my nose. --.
do Indians Love spicy that much? o__0
anyway, no offense..but since yesterday,
I have to endure this stupid shit anyway.
Oh well~ what can I say,
I have this given talent of putting things out from ordinary,
and make it like a Real delicious meal.
but my mom insisted that theory, and said I suck at it. =__= ''
actually, I've created this new blog because of my 2 doubled nature,
I'm not trying to be pretentious from my other sweet blog and all that~
I just have to organized my thoughts and my other personality.
Comprimising.?...haha.yeah..whatever.
anyway. I was watching this stupid movie awhile ago,
didn't know the title though.
and didnt fucking care about knowing the titleand because I'm bored like hell...
proceed watching the stupid movie ~
despite that I have this urge of sucking my eyes out w/ the fork I'm holding.
( eating at that time...)
I seriously think that drama scripts are so trashy and tacky.
The actresses and actors will say something shit like
" How I wish time can time can stop so that I can hug you like this forever".
wtf?!?!?. Just go to hell -__- ! ~~
it was the lamest thing I've heard all day...
if someone was going to tell me that, I'll probably push them down to the cliff...seriously...
ugh. I hate to say goodbye.
but I have to cook this dead chicken,
put some spices and put it in the oven,
OUR KASAMBHAY cooked our meal yesterday,
and it was like fucking HOT!!~~
and I totally drunk gallons of water!..
I drunk hysterically that some of the water had drown my nose. --.
do Indians Love spicy that much? o__0
anyway, no offense..but since yesterday,
I have to endure this stupid shit anyway.
Oh well~ what can I say,
I have this given talent of putting things out from ordinary,
and make it like a Real delicious meal.
but my mom insisted that theory, and said I suck at it. =__= ''
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